“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
When I said I liked it rough.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.