anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
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Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.