Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My dad teaching me to drive
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*