I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
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Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Basically.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.