I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
🤣🤣💀
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Ah..makes sense now
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”