Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Bless you
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
The only equipped I am is ill.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My whole life was a lie.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.