bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?