My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I think I’m having a stroke
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Lmaoo 😂
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
anyone else like Italian cereal
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it