I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Hank is one in a melon.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today