imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
You Might Also Like
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots