Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
#Caturday