How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.