If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
goldfish mafia
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I believe the plural is “milves.”