None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
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Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
How to properly lift a body
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.