I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day