I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying