It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
my favorite genre of twitter
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Okey dokey.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money