Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Breaking news:
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…