Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
omg leave her alone
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.