Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
this… may be the greatest story ever told
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like