Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing