Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Y’all ready for this
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not