*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.