*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived