55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
man: wait
time: no
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Please, my pastrami on rye. It鈥檚 very sick.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 馃
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE