I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
You Might Also Like
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
two people or more is called a problem
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing