We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead