Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl