I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
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My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.