I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
You Might Also Like
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?