[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Lmfao
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My inexpensive home security system…
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.