*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I love art.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*