[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
That’s it.I’m out.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.