😆this is so true
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.