ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
This guy’s not having it 😆
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Realize this:
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :