her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I think the cat got the dog high.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
it must be school picture day
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english