Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.