I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
everyone has that one prude friend
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.