[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…