[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine