Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Lassie, get help!
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”