[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…