i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???