I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Oh, I bet you would be
Well, shit
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever