When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon