The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…