Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
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Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.