3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
A little too much information.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.