If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Morning my dudes.