airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.